So last night was the first time I went dressed fairly in femme amongst my philosophy friends at a causal drinking get together at a local bar near campus. I was just wearing skinny jeans and a feminine-cut t-shirt with ballet flats. I decided at the last minute to not bring my purse inside because I dunno I don’t want to make this grand transformation in front of people – I’d rather slowly transition through a kind of fem androgynous zone before I fully embrace my feminine identity amongst my department friends. I know they wouldn’t have reacted any differently if I brought in a purse but it’s really about my own comfort levels. Like, I don’t feel comfortable yet presenting as if I have boobs, either by wearing a bra or my breastforms. It just feels…weird. One step at a time though. As I spend more time in a half-way transition state I think I’ll feel more comfortable taking bigger steps.
At the bar people didn’t even blink an eye though for the most part, it was great! They were totally respectful but didn’t ignore it entirely either bringing up related anecdotes or offering support and advice. It was a great experience – I felt totally comfortable and accepted.
In other news, I just scheduled my first appointment for laser hair removal on the ol’ beard! I am tremendously excited as my beard shadow is a pretty big source of frustration and anxiety on my part. My beard is thick and dark and grows very fast so I have noticeable stubble only a few hours after shaving. Which means I can never really present as feminine in public for very long before I become noticeably mannish. It sucks! Makeup helps to a certain extent but it’s hard to apply makeup when I don’t have a totally smooth canvas.
Rachel Williams 