Let Trans Women Grow

IMG_20150527_131745-COLLAGE (1)

Left: Me when I first started transition | Right: Me roughly two years later

Trans women are under intense pressure, internal and external, to perform femininity to a high level. They are seen as more “valid” in their identities the better they pass for cis women and in order to compensate for testosterone poisoning some trans women are pressured to wear makeup, accessories, and feminine styles of clothes to be gendered properly by strangers as well as fight their dysphoria. The common assumption is that trans women who are uber feminine are just narrow-minded 1950’s housewife artificialities who are putting on a costume to validate their own womanhood. Our femininity is never seen as natural – always artificial.

But in reality it’s often about pure survival, a defense mechanism. If we don’t perform femininity at a high level we get accused of being too manly and our womanhood is challenged and we are at more risk of misgendering, harassment, violence, and being discriminated against in general. But if we are feminine we get shit for just being caricatures of womanhood who think being a woman is all about dresses and heels. It’s a double bind: damned if you do, damned if you don’t – trans women lose either way.

But I don’t think the problem here is about femininity. The problem is that people don’t like the idea of a male-assigned person transitioning socially and medically. It’s the very idea of trans women that gives people a problem regardless of how well we perform femininity. The double-bind is thus a product of transmisognyny and not fundamental to femininity itself. The problem is that cis identities are seen as fundamentally more healthy and normal than trans identities. And I mean “normal” as in “normative” not “statistical”. Trans people are obviously in the statistical minority – but that alone doesn’t make our bodies or our identities pathological. Anomalous but not necessarily pathological. Trans women often get a lesser metaphysical status in the realm of valid identities but there’s nothing about our transness that is itself intrinsically pathological.

As philosophers like to say, you can’t derive an “ought” from an “is”. It is the case that trans people are rare, but from that it doesn’t entail that we ought to eradicate trans identities. Imagine if we found a “trans gene” that caused transness and scientists had the power to edit that out before or after conception. We has a society would then have a choice whether to eradicate transness out of existence or not. My view is that the world would be much worse off if trans people weren’t around to shake up the cis-normative world.

Part of the pressure for trans women to perform femininity comes from a desire to relieve dysphoria. If I lived on a deserted island that had a Sephora I would still wear makeup because I just enjoy it and it makes me feel better about myself. But part of the pressure comes from how trans women are judged as less valid if we are not uber feminine.

But here’s the thing: trans women are often not even given a chance to grow into our femininity. As soon as we come out as trans we are expected to perform femininity flawlessly. We are expected to know how to do makeup, how to be stylish, have an extensive wardrobe of gender-affirming clothing, look sharp, natural, etc. But cis women have had decades to learn how to perform femininity, experiment with makeup, style, and figure out what looks good for their body shape. Not to mention, not all trans women can afford laser or electrolysis and the makeup techniques to flawlessly cover beard shadow are pretty advanced even for experienced makeup junkies.

Some trans women have been performing femininity from a very young age but that’s not true of all trans women. Some trans women such as myself repressed their feelings deeply and went through very “macho” stages to prove their masculinity to the world before their feelings finally surfaced fully and it was no longer possible to perform masculinity without great pain. But the little crossdressing I did in secret since childhood did not even slightly prepare me the pressure to perform femininity as a transitioned woman. The pressure is felt by all women but trans women feel it especially acutely. So I basically had to learn in a couple years what it took decades for cis women to figure out. Some trans women are just not interested in all that though and they should not be judged for it, no more than cis women should be judged for being butch or tomboys. The “tomboy” trans woman is often judged as less valid than feminine trans women. Many cis women say they are not scared of highly feminine cis passing trans women who have medically transitioned – it’s all those other, “bad ones” they are scared of in women-only spaces, the one who don’t perform femininity to some arbitrarily set cis-normative standard.

We need to let trans women grow into themselves. We are expected to perform femininity flawlessly within months of transition but often it can take years to come into a natural sense of style just like it takes years for cis people to figure out how to perform their genders. We need to let trans women have the space and time to explore themselves before we judge them as “successful”. Or better yet, how about we stop judging people who don’t conform to any gendered expectation and stop placing judgments on whether a transition is a “success” or not. If the trans person is happy at the end of the process it was a success, period. TERFs like to talk about how many trans women are just “pigs in wigs” but usually they are just selectively sampling from trans women just starting transition. Give them a few more years and get back to me. Let trans women grow. Give us time to figure this shit out without invalidating our identities because we have the audacity to look or sound like ourselves and not just flawless imitations of cis women.

Trans people are valid regardless of whether people have a hard time telling whether we are cis. That shouldn’t be the standard. There are no standards. Find me a rule book in the universe that tells me how men and women “ought to look”. There is no such book. There are just atoms in the void – but we place value on some arrangements of atoms and not on others. All value is created from the minds of creatures such as ourselves. Cis people often don’t place much value on trans lives. Our lives are seen as diseased. Just today someone commented on my youtube telling that I am “sick” and “need help”. Yeah – that’s a fun notification to get on my phone. That’s just part of what it’s like to be trans in 2017. And I have it easy! I am very, very privileged as a trans woman, both in terms of passing and my material status, but I still get constant reminders that my existence is seen by many in this country as an existential threat to the moral fabric of society. Here I am just trying to survive and somehow am the threat to society? Yeah, right.

Let trans women grow. Not all trans women have had a strong sense of identity since childhood. That’s the narrative that plays well with cis audiences and trans women are under immense pressure to reshape their histories to conform to that narrative but it’s not representative of the diversity in the community. Some of us need time to unlearn old patterns of behavior and learn new patterns of behavior. Some of us need time to figure out simple things that cis women take for granted like putting your hair up in a bun. Many of us were not taught by female members of our family how to perform femininity. If anything, we were usually punished for displaying the slightest amount of femininity. So how can cis people turn around and expect trans women to be perfect exemplars of femininity when they at the same time stamp out femininity in their own male-assigned children? It’s the double-bind of trans femininity.

When you start to look, the double-bind is everywhere. We cannot escape it. But we must. The liberation of trans women cannot happen unless the double-bind is loosened and we are allowed to grow.



Filed under feminism, Gender studies, Trans studies

8 responses to “Let Trans Women Grow

  1. Society has a wilful ignorance which they fight to preserve. I often wonder what image they conjure up when they heat “transsexual”. I suspect that what comes first is SEX! and every definition attached to that word except the biological one, imagining a physical and emotional world they dislike or are missing out on. Who do they see in this position? A typically hunky hairy guy who wishes they were a woman! Do they take a moment to go beyond jumped to conclusions? NO.

    They are flat earthers and it may take generations to undistort their minds. Galileo was forgiven his heretical views after 400 years of theologians considering astronomy…


  2. Hi Rachel,

    Thanks for this! It was especially timely in the light of some very invalidating comments from a prominent feminist this past week who seems to think we’re “privileged” to have spent our lives crammed inside a cisgender box just because the label said “man.” I wear makeup or dressy ladies’ clothes perhaps a half dozen times a year. But I couldn’t be any girlier (not that it matters). And I think most of us have a closet full of racy or traditional women’s clothes that were essential when we first were trying to express our gender to the world. Some of us grew up in a past decades when there were different rules and expectations about women as well. It takes a while to let go of trying to be the girl you wish that you got to be, especially that young one you totally missed out on. Now I’m just a girl eating ice cream in fuzzy leggings.

    Grow in joy,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It took me about the first five years to get the basics down and become comfortable in my new body and to give myself permission to be “just like them.” A lot of my self-hate takes had to be erased and burned. It’s been 40 years this week since transition and the anger, pain, and hurt are still there. I will carry the emotional scars for life from betrayal. And yet I have never been happier.

    I believe womanhood is a constant state of becoming for cis and trans alike.

    I try to look back only to learn and understand, and try not to regret.


  4. Constance

    I would rather be only half-grown than all-groan; my glass half-full rather than empty. I’ve found that the peeling-off of the layers of my masculine facade has revealed my innate femininity – bit by bit. For so many years, it was more work for me to do whatever it took to cover up my femininity than it is, now, to try to let go any masculinity. I hear a lot of “woe is me” from trans women who can’t see themselves as being able to cover up their masculinity, and attempting to do so by overcompensating through (what they imagine to be) their ultra-feminine presentation. That’s ironic to me, as so many of us used overcompensation to hide our femininity in the first place. And, how well did that work, ultimately? Rather than reverting to a cover-up in reverse, then, I have found it to be much more productive to simply shed the facade of masculinity that I had created (despite the further irony of my using facial makeup in the process :-).


  5. Thanks, Rachel! You are right on. I went full-time last September and am only now beginning to get a real sense of the style I like; I expected it to take a long while.

    Debb Brant


  6. Pingback: An Insight into Male To Female Individuals – Unite UK

  7. Claire

    Thanks for this piece—it took me so long to realize I was trans because I don’t conform to normative feminity. You get it.


  8. Pingback: Q: Isn’t transition just capitulating to gender stereotypes? Why can’t you be a feminine boy or a masculine girl? – A Trans 101 Blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s